Tricycle Bee Launchers to wed Basket Cactus-head

 story by Vlad Lenin

In a stunning move that stunned lots of people who were not stunned; but who are now quite stunned, Tricycle Bee Launchers announced the thing's plans to wed the infamous Basket Cactus-head. "We were stunned," said e.e. cumming's dead gerbil of the announcement. Princess Margaret stated in press release that rumors of her tumor are just rumors, and that Basket Cactus-head saved her from being devoured by Irish. (The Irish, as you might remember, are the inhabitants of Ireland, but not of the Ireland you are probably thinking of). Several schools of pickled herring lowered the flag colored cocktail napkins to half mast now that Tricycle Bee Launchers will no longer be in their mix. In related news, a giant stone anvil fell from the top of the World Trade Center crushing a green lemonade wagon full of vacationing Giant Oswego Nightmare Chickens who planned to attended the blessed event.

Giant Oswego Nightmare Chicken

 story by Mona Delmonico-Earwig

Can all this continue without retribution? What will it take to satiate your appetite for piano lounges? Can you be slapped by the karma of the Mexican urinal? Yes! And it all starts with the Giant Oswego Nightmare Chicken! You will yield to the Hen. The Hen will peck out your eyes as they are nutritious and decorative. The Hen will ensure that your children will be processed in a sanitary way. Forget the wall. Forget the inhibition. The Hen knows what evil lurks in your sick, black, heart. The Oswego Nightmare Chicken is a registered trademark of Oswego Nightmare Inc. A subdivision of Chihuahuaboy- Meshmeat Labs. All rights reserved and a partridge in a pear tree.

Giant Rorschach Test Card Crushes Libidinous Congressmen

 story by Needlenose Pliers

Minutes prior the second great fire at the "Coconut Grove", a suspicious looking man was spotted carrying a Rorschach Test card and an electric eel (who was wearing high heels and a solid gold Chinese Communism). Several libidinous congressmen stood around vying for the attention of Newt Gingrich's former wives while comparing their own family values inside the Men's Room."They say that God hates Fag's... but I rather imagine that Dance Fags Hate God. Hell-o for jell-o, which of course tastes like rooster ovaries if roosters had ovaries." said Petulance Blandingham-Putrid, the Queen's Own Spokes Monster. The price of beaver fell again in Canada today. Even though the Queen's Own Beaver has fallen... upon itself to save the throne for later in the day. The friction of the falling Beaver against the side of the coconut tree (where beavers favor nesting) caused sparks and heat of immense proportions and there-by the Coconut Grove again was engulfed in fire. Several congressmen (who would have suffered brain damage due to smoke inhalation if it weren't for the fact that congressmen are congenitally retarded) were present at the fire; dining on a feast of rare rooster ovaries. One well dressed eel and a Rorschach blotter were killed.

Lionel Atwill's Scabies Jailed

 story by Brazillian Tapir

Byron Allen (formerly of NBC's Real People) was found Monday in a local cocktail by bar police. The spokes model for the Anderson Ville Bar Police said that he had made a home from the hole in a Spanish olive sans pimento which according to police is was a spacious three bedroom townhouse tastefully furnished in an early modern style, bordering on kitsch without being over the top. "When we searched the place, we found Mr.Allen and the late actor Lionel Atwill playing bridge with a Brazilian tapir and an extraterrestrial sentient toaster oven. "Fortunately, we were wearing black full length gowns and pearls, as it was martini time when we arrived."